An update for all who are closely following the conflict between the two blocks of University Pl. NW. Unification will happen, whatever the cost. Determination was why the people wanted me. Well, by people, I mean the one’s I serve at the pleasure of, not all those stupid voters. Anyway, read on for the update.
Another cleverly BCC’d news letter. (and if you don’t want to read this, you should see my therapist! [or you could get a hold of me and yell – in which case you need my phone number, unless you’re planning on writing in ALL CAPS! – so try this: 860 908 3576]
On the front lines, things have not gone as planed. It is true that we projected little resistance; as it turns out, the people of the 2600 block do not like being invaded and occupied. In an attempt to mitigate the unhappiness of the citizenry, I had placed 2 Hershey’s Kisses on each front porch. Unfortunately, this has not had the intended effect. Due to faulty intelligence, I later found that, in the culture of the 2600 block, a Hershey’s Kiss on the ground is among the greatest insults, second only to standing on your head during introductions. So, in short, our battle for the hearts and minds of the 2600 block of University Place has had a few set backs. Besides, I can’t remember when this war started so there goes all the planning. I think I’d said 13 days, but I forgot to start counting – or, well, I realized I don’t have 13 fingers [thanks a lot mom & dad].
Not to worry, friends (and Enemies), as the Coalition Of The Willing is growing. Recently, our ranks have swelled with the addition of new Coalition members from Fairmont St. We have met our recruiting goals for this year, enlisting at least 4 new members from the 2500 Block.
We are still trying to work those from Euclid St. into the mix, but since Howard University has shutdown for summer, much of the housing is empty now. Well, except for the Adventist Pentecostal Church, but we expect to be targeting them for full annihilation. And of course, there is the very fine Villagio that just doesn’t seem to belong. Perhaps part of the Good Humor Network, we will focus our intelligence there to try and find reasons for war.
In the mean time, our intelligence tells us that we are not. However, the people of the 2600 Block have spoken and are desperate for a newer brand of Fascism. In poll after poll, they have told us that they don’t enjoy torture, but that they want a range of options to be inflicted on them. We are not the old leadership. I intend to listen fully to what the 2600’ers want. If it’s the old Chinese Water Torture, then by god, that’s what I will do. If they want to have electrodes attached to them or be attacked by snarling unloved German Shepard’s, I intend to provide them with a real choice.
But that is not to say they will be taken care of any better than those on the 2500 Block. We are all about equality here. The people of the 2600 block will be treated just as well as the people of New Orleans’s 9th ward. We do not kill discriminately – instead, we target large groups and can always provide a reason someone was detained for 3 years. Of course, often times that reason is that we were busy trying to think of a reason, but let’s not short change our selves here – this is progress compared to what these poor savages have had until now!
Anyway, in an effort to set and manage your expectations, we have hired news reporters to read this text into a camera. (Reporter: Don’t read this part.) I believe this to be the next best thing to Fox News which only has Actors, where as the 2500 Block will have real reporters. Though, technically, since this is their first job out of College (some out of High School), it really is up to me as to what to call them and I’m going to stick to “reporter”. You should be able to see an episode soon, and I can assure you that you will see it when I make the decision to show you. That’s because I’m a decision maker. There are others that do things – like real things, apart from decisions, but that’s not my job.
Enough for now. And that’s a decision.
P.S. Some notes about the make up of my Regime:
AmyLea has been appointed the Minister of Hustlin’ – with her extensive background in Ant Farming, I believe she’s the right person for the financial sector to place their trust in.
Dragan has been appointed Director of the Directorate of Psychosis Inducing Sounds and has further taken on the position of Minister of Good Ideas. She comes to these posts with unquestionable experience in Broken Hearts, Strugglin’-to-Make-Ends-Meet, and has amassed and wealth of experience in Sleeping. With these extraordinary qualities, I have the utmost faith that some of her Ideas will be of the Good variety.
P.P.S – If I awarded you a post and I can’t remember it, it’s because of the Whiskey. Do not fret; it’s likely I can’t remember assigning it to anyone else anyway, so you can still have it – just remember to get it from me in writing [and bar napkins don’t count].
Also a P.S. – I will be posting leaflets we’re using to sway the 2600’ers to our side, along with battle maps and perhaps even Videos of the War, or analysts analysing. While there’s a bunch of other crap at this site now (http://www.sub-verses.org), there will be important multi-media artifacts and evidence to be used later in a war crimes tribunal.
Remember – War not Hugs!