Recently I declared war on a certain deserving group of people. Read on to see the declaration and the plans. Further, I am being supported in my efforts by Dra and others.
Hello ALL! I have cleverly BCC’d everyone on this list so as not to violate any friendship NDA’s I may have signed.
Without further adieu –
I thought I would send out a little news letter describing most of my failures and the success I’ve had in therapy. OK, I’m just kidding, there has been no success in therapy. But it also occurred to me recently, as several people were beating the crap out of me in an alley down on 7th St. in an effort to acquire my meager savings, that I am a bad communicator and have perhaps not made myself as available as I should to most of you. For some of you, I have, perhaps, made myself a bit too available, and for that, I am paying even more to my therapist these days.
But all of this triviality aside, I have decided to declare war Unilaterally on the block north of mine (the 2600 block of University Pl. NW). This will mean that instead of work, I will be planning water balloon bombings and working to impede their trade routes and disrupt their infrastructure. To that end, I have worked to develop cutting edge cardboard boxes designed to be placed in the road, instilling fear in the drivers that there may be a small child sitting in them. Further, I have begun a leafleting campaign aimed at the psyche of the enemy, describing the albino alligators in the sewer, blaming on it on their current block leadership. This plan, I am projecting, should ensure success in less than 13 days, at which time I will swoop in with Nala & Cassidy, generals of the Black Dog Brigade, as my carriers, and a hand painted sign that I will carry saying, “Mission Accomplished”. After which time, I expect to begin Block building actions aimed at creating a stable neighbor capable of adding to my political capital in the Home Owners Association (HOA). Critics have suggested that as a renter, I have no “capital” in the HOA, but I can only reply that we don’t have an HOA so they can just shut their pie holes!
Meanwhile, I am diligently not doing any work while I await an “employment suitability” review which some call a clearance, but I call a rectal exam. Given the amount of time I have on my hands (8 hours per day), my plans for taking over the 2600 block of University Pl. NW are coming along swimmingly. I had hoped to find allies, but will settle for a coalition of the willing. So far, Minnow the Alley cat and several of the squirrels in the trees behind my apt. are with me. There have been conflicts among the coalition (primarily Minnow trying to eat the Squirrels), but we are strong and determined and will not let these minor hitches stop us. It’s hard work, I say, hard work to take over and rebuild a neighboring block.
In other news, I’ve recently joined the banned group, “One Eyed Poets for a One Eyed World”. We tend to judge rather harshly and thank god for the by law that you can only have one eye poked out in trade for another’s eye. As part of this group, it is my duty to inform all of the reality of the Flying Spaghetti Monster (http://www.venganza.org/). There appears to be no clear, logical, reason for this, but it is among the steps mandated for membership in this elite group.
Enough for now. Please take this very seriously – I will not be deterred in my dreams of Neighborhood Conquest. Hope all is well and the rash is gone. Remember, cream only works as a topical solution and the rain washes all things to the sea, so the next time you lose your sunglasses, go down to the sea and you’ll find them there; assuming it’s rained since you lost them.
Oh, and if you want to join my Coalition, please send a SASE to:
His Royalty of The New World (that’s me)
################
############ (addresss deleted)
Much love and a Happy Gandhi Day,
Josh
P.S. Please feel free to forward this to others who may want to be Minister of Intersections, Parking Minister, Director of Poo Clean Up Administration or other departments that I could create. (remember, it’s hard work.)