I have been so inundated by your shrill and ugly cries of Auslander, that I am encouraged to write you this letter in an effort to end your suffering. To wit, I would like to offer an option that has, hitherto, seemingly not been suggested. You may find, if you open your minds, that this suggestion will very much change Switzerland for the better. If you accept this compromise, you will see how much better Switzerland can be.
However, before we get into what it is that you need to do, I want to tell you a bit about how it was that I came to live in Switzerland. You see, I come from America. There, in school, I learned about “Freedom”, “Liberty”, “Tolerance”, and “Democracy”. Eventually, I understood that these were high minded concepts that few people ever truly contemplated, resulting in even fewer of these ideals being realized. And so it was, I set off to discover a land where these principles held fast.
I’d heard of an 800 year old Democracy, filled with neutrality, acceptance & toleration; a place where Wars were seen as the barbaric backwardness of small minds and even smaller hearts; a place where Humanity was valued and the society was nurtured. That place I’d heard of was named, “Switzerland”. What a grand Public Relations campaign that had been. Imagine my shock to discover that America was, in fact, an older Democracy than Switzerland, and that despite the Swiss never officially holding slaves, there was an even greater Prejudice that extended well past skin color and into the unidentifiable – Passports, jobs, income levels, speech, age, gender … really all the classics that, at least at an institutional level, America had dealt with over 60 years ago.
Now that I have been here for some time, it is clear to me that your party is the party of the Dark Ages, and, perhaps more clearly, your party is the leftovers of the Nazi’s that were not stamped out like the cockroaches they are. Unfortunately, where I come from, we have some like-minded folks who would rather see the world in chaos and fire than peaceful co-existence. With that, I put forward my qualifications for helping you. You might even find it more comfortable to know that, if you follow my suggestions, it will be the Final Solution. You see, my experience in understanding the simple minds of Fear Mongers, their perverse desires of incest and power, the lengths to which they will go to effectively shoot themselves in the foot due to their innate short-sightedness and deep seeded ugliness within their tortured souls, makes me the perfect consultant to offer this advice.
It is simple, and ultimately, Evolutionary: Kill Your Self. It is so simple that you can do it alone, though, I recommend the Final Solution equally for the Family. Your children shouldn’t be burdened with a world you could not accept – do them a favor and kill them as well. Could you imagine leaving your wife to be assimilated into an Auslander world? Surly not! Therefore, the Final Solution is for her as well! You see, the whole family can take part! And best of all, once you’ve implemented the Final Solution, you will never again need to worry about those pesky Auslanders.
In closing, I wish you the best Suicide a Swiss can get – only the Highest Quality should suffice. I can only hope that when I wake up tomorrow, the news will report on the end of the suffering by the Swiss People’s Party at the hands of the Auslander. Don’t wait! Be the first on your block to embrace the newest Final Solution!