Jack Van Impe Ministries
PO Box 7004
Troy MI
48007-7004
Dear Sirs and Madams,
I am in love with you and your fine publications. I dream of the day we can fornicate without sin; perhaps over Molotov Cocktails. I peruse your advertisements with an erotic delight usually reserved for playgrounds, finding myself in a sweaty pool of discharge my doctor says is to be expected from the kind of behaviors I engage in. I was very glad to hear that … I can assure you. I’m also sure that you are glad to hear that, given my propensity for bare-backing Whores-For-Jesus. It truly is the lord’s work that we do, and I’m sure I couldn’t do it without your various products that have contributed to my Free-In-God worldview.
It is this worldview that has prompted my epistle to you and this very worldview that has allowed me to find freedom in the knowledge of the coming Apocalypse. As I sit and masturbate to the fine imagery you provide in your magazines of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, I can actually see God in his glorious robes with gold chains around his neck delicately highlighting his voluminous body hair as it swirls around his creamy white skin, and he says to me, “My Child, aren’t you glad you’re white, like me?” It is then that I fire my love for God right out onto my belly. I bring this up for several reasons, chiefly that I want you to understand just how committed to your ministry I am. Further, I wanted to get your ideas on these visions of God; you see, I am not actually white, like my God is, and so I wonder why he asks me if I’m glad? At first I assumed he was using a metaphor for purity, much as Jesus did with the parables. Then it occurred to me that it is very possible that God wants everyone to be white. To that end, I have been steeping in Clorox Bleach each night since I came to understand my impurities; however, my penis now has sores and I can’t put my arms down due to the chemical burns in my armpits. I am determined to be God-like, at any cost, and since you’ve such a good relationship with Him, would you find out if there is an easier way to become white?
Additionally, I wanted to take the opportunity to tell you just how much I enjoy your program. The momentary news blurbs taken completely out of context give me a clearer picture of the future and what to expect. Why just the other day, you and Rexella were discussing something about the Nuclear arms race in the middle-east and I came to realize that even the original authors of the stories you were explaining didn’t understand the situation they were writing about. Perhaps if they had access to your World Head Quarters and your keen insight into the uses of Yellow Journalism, as pioneered by Pulitzer himself, they might garner a better understanding of the situations they’re embedded in.
Also, I would like to ask Rexella if she is available for a Tent-Revival-Gang-Bang with so many sinners coming for Jesus, deep inside of her plastic womb-of-God? I can only imagine that is how Jesus came to be with God enabling the once virginal Mary to pick and choose the things she needed from each sperm shot deep inside her dripping holy-of-holies. Is it possible for Rexella to do anything with the sinners’ loads shot down into her throat? She seems like she might be able to regurgitate at will, what with the bulimia marks clearly displayed on her neck, and perhaps we can avoid waste by using a turkey baster to pump it right back into her holy hole.
Anyway, I’d just like to thank you again for all you’ve done for me and the rest of the world of believers. No longer am I crushed under the weight of my own sins, now that I know there are none, so long as we are with Jesus! Perhaps when you come to my town, I can take you around to the Elementary School in my windowless white van where we can minister to the unclean, unsaved masses of prurient children desperate for the words “Oh, God”.
Yours in divine lasciviousness,
Matthew M. Lukejohnson
Wow. =)~